siren-sound's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50k I don't need you. I know, it sounds terrible, and I am definitely working on it. You see, I grew up as a total solo kid, and it was hard, but I made it, and I didn't need anyone. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, or pity, (pity is the worse) I am just letting you know, that I am pretty damn and self-sufficient, and it's not working out. So, I am working on it. When I started running, I did it alone, well, my radio and I did it alone. It took me forever to get to my first 3 miles, but I did it. I also trained for my first marathon alone. Well, alone meaning my yellow walkman, my calculator watch, and a handful of cassette tapes. It was hard, but I made the decision to do it, so there really is no other option once I decided. The only time I needed someone is when I had to collect call my husband from another city, cause I ran out of energy. (funny story, he was at work, and had to leave early, then take a bus home, and then come pick up my dumb ass in another city exactly 14 miles away. I felt humiliated and a complete failure.) But I learned the lesson to carry some bus money next time. I went on to do my marathon, finish upright, and oh, my sister in ran with me the last 6 miles. She called herself a tow truck and said it would be helpful. I let her run with me, and I guess it was ok. I mean, I finished. My next marathon training was after I moved to Seattle. As a side note, Seattle is weird, and people don't really reach out to be, um, human here. I didn't make any friends, I had a hard time with the weather, and it just felt foreign like everyone else was speaking a different language and laughing, and didn't want to let me in on the joke. I found running again, after taking some time off. I found a group and started training for a marathon. I had a co-runner buddy who made the whole experience of training for a marathon so much easier, I felt like I was cheating. We ran many miles together, joked, shared, solved the world's problems and finished a marathon together. It felt nice. I started my business in a trust fall of wanting to be outside, run with others, and build a community of others who were just starting out on this whole adventure called running. I poured my heart and soul and it grew and flourished. But I had this longing of not being a part of the community. Subconsciously, I separated myself to make room for those to be together and took myself out of the equation. At the end of the day, the community was bound together, and I was on the outside. I didn't know how to be a part of it because I was always alone. So, this is the part where I have to open up. I cannot go from not needing people to being connected without bearing my heart. It's not a hopscotch game where the next step is an easy jump. It takes some deep down searching and knowing what the heck is going on. I am working on it, but I know that I cannot be an island anymore. I signed up for a 50k in January to prepare for an epic trip in May, where I'll be doing a 60k. I had done a 50k before and knew they were something I could do, but I knew they were hard, and I couldn't quite figure out why. I mean, it's just running slow forever, and stopping once in a while to eat and drink, and then keep going. It took me 20 miles to realize that I could not do this on my own, and luckily someone knew that and was waiting for me to help me out. I kept thinking needing someone was something that I would get past, that I only needed for a little bit, and then I could get back to being by myself. But I now see that I need to get past relying on myself and get to lean on other people. This thought scares the bajeebas out of me. In those last miles, I could have not possibly made it on my own. I needed my co-runner. I needed a fresh set of legs, even if they were not attached to mine, to keep me upright, and going forward. That's the secret that these long-distance runners or any runner who is doing something outside of their comfort zone know. There is no way to go it alone, cause you will never get there. I needed another person in the most basic way. A poetic partner to umbilical cord to, so I can follow, and see where she brings me. I needed someone to tell me, I could do it, and believe them. I needed another soul to connect to. We all do. It just took me 44 years and to run 31 miles to figure that out. It's never too late. 9:57 a.m. - 2019-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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